Trespass

30 minutes

 

This was a Catter Faceplant pick.  I pointed it out to her in Target, shocked that a movie with Nicolas Cage and Nicole Kidman went straight to DVD.  I kind of remember when they were making it, I think Cage wanted to be a one of the bad guys, but was told, no, you get to be the idiot husband – I think, the article was awhile ago.  That she had never heard of it, and it was straight to DVD fascinated Catter Faceplant, who decided I should move it to the top of the que.  

 

So I was just looking this thing up, and saw it actually opened.  Per IMDB, the budget was 35 million, and it grossed 16,816.00.  Holy tapirs, that’s sad.  Someone should bake it a cake.  

 

Let’s see, so Whiney Glasses (Cage) does something with diamonds that requires him to talk on his phone while he drives, well, Whiney, that’s really dangerous.  At home is Lots of Hair (Kidman), and their daughter, Avery (Liana Liberato), who wants to go to a party, like, a lot.  Lots of Hair’s all, no, you’re going to do crack and sell your liver, and Avery’s like, this is like so unfair, I’ll ask Dad!  Whiney Glasses comes in and says no, you can’t go, and Avery stomps off somewhere.

 

At this time, I decided I should try to soak my feet in some Epsom salt.  Catter had a toenail removed a couple of weeks ago and has to soak her toe every night in the stuff, so I thought I’d try, it’s lavender, maybe it’s relaxing, so I soaked my feet, then went to dry them off and they were sticky.  At some point I touched the salt on my foot, then touched the skin near my eye.  Soon the skin started burning, so I washed my eye, then put some frozen corn on it, then started rinsing it in the sink after Catter looked it up and said it needed to be flushed for 15 minutes.

 

By this point some guys had broken into Whiney Glasses house and wanted him to open a safe or they were going to kill Lots of Hair.  There were about three male burglars and this chick burglar, who started running around in one of Lots of Hair’s evening dresses for no particular reason.

 

There was lots of screaming and hugging as the burglars yelled stuff and Lots of Hair kept screeching just open it Whiney!  Just open it!  I was moving back and forth a lot trying to make my eye stop burning, but sat down long enough to see a group hug – Avery was home by now and in the room with her parents – and started fast forwarding.  Turns out the safe they wanted into was empty, and the family is broke because all their money is in the house they’re building.  Then more screaming and hugging and fast forwarding, and then there’s some fighting and something sets on fire, and the whole family’s outside watching stuff burn and hugging.  

 

No bloopers, only extras were the trailers and something else lame.  There you go, don’t get Epsom salt any where near your eye, it hurt, like acid, and I really didn’t want to go to the emergency room for being stupid.