Bad

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We open with a scene to show how mean Hatchet is — he’s killed Sheila the receptionist and Benny the temp because that’s what Hatchet does.  And I’m like Sheila and Benny look like they’re happy to be extras recently killed by Hatchet.  It’s a very strange opening carnage scene. 

 

Meanwhile, back at the Citadel, SidePart is sad.  It looks like her internal monologue is even tired of her mournful glowering. But it helps us out and we get some insight to why she looks like she always burns her muffins — Hatchet knows about the bombing that killed her fiancé, but did it?  I’m guessing he faked his own death, she’s, like, really intense.  I’m sure their game nights terrified their friends. 

 

So Hatchet has been the main focus point of her muffin burning life, which is reinforced by her co-workers saying stuff like, they found him thanks to you, SidePart.  I love nuance.  And they do find Hatchet, standing among the happy extras, not even trying to get away, because that’s not suspicious at all?  Of course not, so they take him to the Citadel to ask him a few questions.  SidePart is all breathless until she’s told she’s not allowed in the room and they want the cameras off the entire time.  But but but…Sorry SidePart, here, go stare at the ceiling in B wing for awhile.

 

SidePart is concerned because she’s not only the Hatchet expert, when really, girlfriend, check out your finance’s bank statements from the weeks before the building blew up, but she also doesn’t like torture, she wants to do things by the book!  And I’m like, your at a black site, this is confusing.  And she says, it’s not just any black site!  This one was specially designed to have blind spots everywhere!  Seriously, she continues, it would not be hard at all to get into the control rooms and unlock all of the cells, oh wait…

 

Hatchet goes into a control room and unlocks all of the prisoners’ cells, which leads to a handful of guys kind of walking around like they’re looking for the bathroom at Barnes & Noble.  Cherub from Spartacus is all exited, he gets to clobber people, and maybe, if he’s really lucky, he can shoot someone.  Cherub from Spartacus is a contractor who butts head with SidePart because he wants to torture everything.  Really, his uncle broke a tooth trying to eat a hamburger Cherub had barbecued into oblivion for looking at him funny. 

 

He also likes to walk around expressing himself by yelling “Fooking analysts” for anything that goes wrong in his life.  Beer is warm, “Fooking analysts,” had a bad dream about pickles, “Fooking Analysts.”  He’s cool with torture, especially if it’ll get him out of the Citadel before it blows up, which it’s scheduled to do because the Mossad guy can’t figure out how to reset the router.  Just unplug and plug it back in, that’s the fastest way, sir.

 

SidePart does get some alone time with Hatchet, which he’s all, Nanner nanner, and she’s blaaaahhhhhh I’m crazy!  And then we get some really funky outdoor shots that look like a music video from the 90s.  

 

I loved the trailer for this one, but overall, meh, a bunch of not so bright people running around trying to stop a not so bright situation.  I wanted to like this one, I wanted it to be good bad, but it’s just bad bad.  Kinda funny here and there, but SidePart is so earnest, Cherub is such a goober, and Hatchet is just tremendously stabby.  You can see the message they’re trying to get across, which I appreciate, so I just wish this one had been a shade smarter.  Fooking analysts.

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