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Bad

Original Review Date – August 2, 2003

 

I think it’s nice and all that Lara Croft has developed a Ben Affleck complex and feels the need to constantly save the world, but she should start by taking a look at her unfriendly environmental ways. After discovering an underwater temple, what does she do? Tosses around flares like a wedding guest with bird seed. Does she think of bringing a trash bag for her debris? No! She then has to abandon her underwater turbo jet thing, and who’s going to come pick it up and dispose of it properly? No one! Hitting a poor shark to catch a ride? That’s a random act of violence, by god. He was minding his own business, no one told him Super Environment Destructo-Woman had entered his terrain.

 

In Africa, the rampage continues as Lara carelessly leaves her opened parachute in the middle of nowhere for some completely innocent giraffe to get tangled in, and don’t get me started on all of the shells she scatters in various countries. How about aiming at something before you litter? And what about abandoning the motorcycles on some deserted path in China? Really, Lara Croft, you should be ashamed of yourself. Pity the poor local villagers who try to help you.

 

Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Get Those Sparkly Things! is about the safety hazards involved in becoming a butler. Yeah Lara (Angelina Jolie) get that butler! He’s only one of about two people in the movie who’s not trying to kill you.

 

We begin with Lara flipping around on her jet ski for no apparent reason, which pretty much sets the tone for the movie. In search of Alexander the Great’s buried sea treasure, Lara discovers an orb thing that’s really sparkly, so we know it’s important. But it’s stolen from her, so she has to beat on her butler until she feels better.

 

Turns out the sparkly orb is a map to find a sparkly box, which gets Lara all excited. Maybe the sparkly box will lead to a sparkly cylinder! The box is, of course, Pandora’s box sent here from outer space. No, I’m not kidding, outer space. The bad guy (Ciaran Hinds) wants it so he can destroy the world since bad guys have absolutely no imagination these days.

 

There’s only one man who can help Lara - Atilla the Hun! Atilla (Gerard Butler) turned into a mercenary after the government took away his cubicle with a window. Lara and Genghis are soon traipsing around pouting and trying to act smarter than each other for the rest of the thing. Attila still has a thing for her, but he’s out of luck since he’s not sparkly.

 

I guess it’s good there were no crying over daddy scenes. Those were annoying. It was nifty that the lady knew exactly what kind of leather jacket and sunglasses Atilla would like. And it was nice to see all of Lara’s practice running on the heads of terra cotta statutes paid off for her.

 

On the other non-sparkly hand, this thing is no freaking fun. All of the characters mope around like someone dropped their ice cream cones on hot gravel. Nothing you’re doing makes any damned sense, so lighten up. Your main objective is to find a sparkly box, so stop acting like you’re heading to your own funeral. Pout pout pout. They just jumped from country to country killing people. That’s no damned fun. Yeesh. No adventure, no interesting stunts, just Jan de Bont sitting back saying, I’m Jan de Bont!

 

I actually liked the first one better, but Mr. Thornhill thinks they both suck if that helps anyone. If there’s a third, Lara will probably have to find the sparkly toilet sent here by Zeus to make her sad. Yet happy because it’s sparkly. I recommend this one to people who have made webbed suits and jumped from buildings screaming, I’m a sugar glider!

 

February 17th, 2025 Note

 

Well, I guess I wasn’t overly impressed with this one when it came out. I do like Atilla, his Olympus Has Fallen and London Has Fallen are the best to watch to drown out fireworks. And it’s just fun to watch him old school style beat the holy hell out of the bad guys.