Spoilers, Lots of Spoilers!

 

We start with Landman’s daughter going to Sidney’s house (I think?  maybe it was a mock up? seems like they probably have blown it up before, it’s hard to keep track).  I was talking to Ms. Thornhill, and we both agree we can’t remember much of these past “Scream 3”.  Landman’s daughter makes a comment that burning to death would be a horrible way to die, so que her being burned to death after her boyfriend is stabbed by someone in the Ghostface costume.  She’s right, it’s a terrifying death, but predictable, so they have to make it awful to watch as you can see she knows she’s about to be burned to death.  So that’s not fun.  Boring fight scene, then just horror death.  LAZY! 

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We then go to see Sidney’s very annoying daughter, Traumatic Name Dump, letting her insanely creepy boyfriend into her bedroom through an open window.  You’ll see later that the house has a state-of-the art security system that is apparently absolute crap.  Like, really bad, like, you might as well just attach a potato to the wall and call it a security system as you make “beep beep boo” noises as you push on it. 

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All-knowing Sidney strolls in and tells the creep to beat it, and he creepily tells her he’s a good guy, so that’s nice.  Traumatic Name Dump has a fit that Sidney won’t tell her anything about her past, which is because Sidney thinks she’s protecting Traumatic Name Dump from taking on, you know, trauma.  Ummm, she named her daughter Tatum, so I don’t think Sidney is very good at thinking.  Luckily, she’s married to House of Villains, which is like well, that’s a choice.  I really liked “Talk Soup,” but this is a weird casting choice.  Weirder still, he’s apparently from the Incredible Hulk line, so later in the movie, after being stabbed 987 times, dude is conscious for at least another hour and able to help fight the killers.  I got nothing there, that’s just…I’m shaking my head.  To try to justify the fact that House of Villians was still alive in the end, we’re told several times that he’s “hard to kill” before he’s stabbed 9,987 times in the movie.  Oh, okay, thanks idiot foreshadowing, now I believe it!

Traumatic Name Dump is in the school play and bops off to rehearsal where someone dressed as Ghostface shows up and disembowels one of Traumatic Name Dump’s friends as she’s hanging from a fairy wire, and it’s just blech.  Just, “we can’t write, but we can kill people horribly, enjoy!”  But the part that I just can’t get past is the fairy girl friend is DISEMBOWELED and left for everyone to see and all the friends are barely even sniffling.  Like, they are not traumatized at all, just oh, that’s a bummer, let’s skip this curfew thing so we can be murdered in a bar, cool?  Totally cool, I’ve always dreamed of being stabbed and had my head spiked on a beer tap so beer pours from my dead, bleeding mouth.  Let’s go!

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Sidney was running around doing dumb s*& with Gale as her daughter’s attacked, like, literally running.  She doesn’t have car keys, so she pinwheel runs around town trying to keep Traumatic Name Dump from being traumatized.  Girl, she didn’t even blink when one of her best friends was disemboweled, she’s fine. 

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Now, here’s another thing that makes no effing sense – the town goes on a curfew after the fairy girl and the lighting guy were gruesomely murdered.  Okay, that makes sense.  But this town takes the curfew so seriously that literally everyone in the town vanishes except for the people who are connected to Sidney and Traumatic Name Dump.  There is NO ONE in the streets, and absolutely no police out making sure people are safe.  House of Villains is the police chief, and Sidney and Traumatic Name Dump are clearly the targets, yet neither target gets police protection, they just run around openly in the empty town so the killers can find them  easier. 

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The killers are so stupid it’s barely worth even mentioning, but it’s Anna Camp, The Bass Player, and Karl.  They met in a mental ward.  There you have it.  Huge points to The Bass Player, he was actually kind of funny, like, why couldn’t we have gotten more of him? 

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In the end we have a bunch of murdered kids, but Sidney and Traumatic Name Dump emotionally bond on being idiots, which was the real heart of this story.  It’s actually a town of idiots.  The attic.  Omg.  But look, we used a murdered kid’s head as a beer tap!  Ha ha ha?  LAZY!