So our heroine, Baby Siren Renesmee, was fifteen when she met her soulmate, PawPaw, who’s a ripe old two-hundred and something. And he loved her as soon as he met her! I think he waxes on about that in the second book, but his soul was ripped from him when he had to leave the sixteen or seventeen-year-old in this one. Yup, so here we go.
Lochnessie is a siren currently making money by glamouring bad people into fixing their crimes by returning stolen goods and then turning themselves into the police. Life is fine until she goes home and finds PawPaw in her bed waiting for her. He last saw her when she was sixteen or seventeen – sixteen is considered legal in the fairy realm! Ummm, what? – and casually says her lingerie has gotten better. So that’s fine, because sixteen is the legal age for fairies! Really, so this is totally fine and legal!
Lochnessie’s all, oh you. (He disappeared seven years ago and this is the first time she’s seen him since.) He’s like, yes me, ha ha ha! Let’s play Pinochle! He then makes her kiss him and says see you tomorrow, toots!
Another thing – Lochnessie killed her sexually abusive stepfather in self-defense and then called PawPaw to help her clean it up and that is how they met. PawPaw does things for people then they owe him favors, but he didn’t charge her for disposing of the body since she was, you know, a child. Instead he sent her to a magic school and she kept calling on him for favors that consisted of him spending time with her because she was lonely and kids ignored her. She racked up over three hundred favors she owes him back now, and he collected the first one by making her kiss him. Glad you’ve got pretty underwear, give PawPaw a smoochie!
He then makes her go shopping for furniture, but when she picks out ugly stuff, the cashier’s unable to find her selections. The system will only let her select the items PawPaw has already selected, and it’s like, so what was the point to that? He already knew what he wanted, so, okay, whatever, he’s old.
And Lochnessie has a werewolf boyfriend who she breaks up with because she doesn’t know what PawPaw might make her do to work off her bargain beads. Werewolf kind of cries and wolfs out and tries to kill her, but he doesn’t because PawPaw flies her off to his mansion in Catalina. Which seemed random to me, but they must have good early bird specials.
Turns out PawPaw needs Lochnessie’s help – women in his fairy kingdom, yes, he’s a fae king, because of course he is, are being returned in glass caskets with creepy vampire babies. The women are comatose and the kids are weird, but when PawPaw tries to investigate, he can’t get people to talk, but he has some human staff that Lochnessie can siren into talking!
So, let me just try to understand this – you are a king of a land that is having its women kidnapped, assaulted, and returned with rude vampire babies, yet somehow you have time to go shopping with Lochnessie on top of being The Bargainer and making deals with skeezy people all over earth? Like, shouldn’t that be your main priority, helping your women not get assaulted? Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize you’re busy, you haven’t seen ALL of the Harry Potter movies, please, continue.
Lochnessie goes to fairyland with PawPaw and investigates! She finds out that, yup, there are women in glass coffins and a room full of horror movie children who want to keep her forever. She’s like, nah, okay, I’m good, let’s go get some more fing macaroons. She gets a nursemaid to talk against her will, but I don’t think it was that interesting, just really traumatizing to the poor woman who spends her day being bitten by rude little baby vampires.
At some point Lochnessie’s told that she and PawPaw are soul mates, and he’s like I knew we were soul mates when I met you! My soul was ripped from my amazing marble body when you made that wish that made my magic take me away from you for seven years! He didn’t want to be away from her for seven years, he could fallen on his hip, and then where would they have been? Lochnessie made some eternal wish and his magic took him away as payment for the bargain. It literally made no sense to me, why he was locked away from her for seven years, but the author gives it the ole college try to make a case for it. No, it’s a bunch of nonsense so Lochnessie can whine about PawPaw being gone for seven years.
Anyway, Lochnessie is eventually kidnapped and ends up in the coffin lady prison and is on her way to being impregnated with an annoying blood baby, but the Fauna King, her captor, thinks she’s a pretty bird. After having her there for almost a week, he decides to help her with her birdness and blasts her with magic until her skin peels back and her wings emerge. She also gets some claws and shimmery scales, which she would really prefer not to have.
PawPaw suddenly shows up with a full oxygen tank, oxygen saturation at 98%, and is ready for some fisticuffs. He blows up the Fauna King, which was seriously uneventful. Now Lochnessie has to figure out how to walk with the new weight distribution of her wings, oh wait, no, she’s fine. She hates her wings, but they don’t ever get into her way, so that’s nice.
She goes down to see the coffin women, who still haven’t woken up, which means the Fauna King isn’t the real big bad. And she’s still pissed about wings, the trimmed claw-nails, and pretty golden scales on her forearms. But they’re mates! Sixteen is the legal fairy age! And she knows in her gut this isn’t over…. Umm, yeah, the women are still unconscious in coffins, that might be your first clue.
