Thirteen Ghosts

 

 

 

 

Bad

Original Review dated: October 2001

 

Maybe it’s just me, but I thought it kind of took away from the suspense of the movie when Shannon Elizabeth ran around for an hour trying to get gas masks on the ghosts.  Okay, that’s not true.  Boy, the family that inherits the house is annoying.  People would tell them what to do, like “be quiet,” “don’t move,” or “run,” and these people would just argue with them.  Should have locked the family in the basement with the ghosts.  But then, they might have annoyed the ghosts so much the ghosts would have left, and then there’d really be no point to the title.  This movie is just bad - it doesn’t make any sense, the ghosts just pop up sometimes, and there were way too many shots of the house.  It’s like the movie was about the kooky house, there just happened to be ghosts and stupid people running around.  Oh, and it’s a glass house, so Diane Lane was constantly wandering around in a drug-induced stupor as Leelee Sobieski played sneaky tricks on thugs.  Okay, that’s not true, either.

 

The Glass House is about a couple of spoiled kids who write strange Latin sayings all over the walls, and are only given take-out food.  No, 13 Ghosts is about a big house.  And there are some people running around yelling “Bobbie!” even though they’re told the glass with the latin on it is sound proof.  The family, which is led by dad Arthur (Tony Shalhoub), includes daughter Kathy (Shannon Elizabeth), son Bobbie (Alec Roberts), and their nanny, I think maybe her name was Wanda (Rah Digga). I thought Elizabeth seemed a little old for a nanny, but why not.  The Scooby-Doo gang inherit the Latin Glass House, and go to check it out with plastic, sneering lawyer man.  Soon they’re all stuck inside with Dennis (Matthew Lillard), a psychic assistant to the late looney Cyrus (F. Murray Abraham).  They spend a lot of time wandering around and complaining.  Well, not at first.  “This house is AWEsome!” Elizabeth squeals when she sees the bomb shelter with two-hundred gallons of bottled water, generator, and a year’s supply of dried beef.  Okay, I have to stop that.  She does get excited by the house, especially the bathroom.  Something isn’t right, though, and soon they’re fighting with the house for close-ups. 

 

Now, what makes this movie bad is the story.  It doesn’t make any sense, even though people try to explain what’s happening in the last ten minutes.  I had no idea what they were talking about when the chick brought out the book and tried to explain.  I thought the point to these kind of movies was to see people run screaming from scary ghosts.  But no, we’re supposed to buy some weird last minute spell-book goofiness.  It’s like somebody wanted to make a movie about a big, weird Latin Glass House, but didn’t know where to go from there.  The ghosts don’t attack very much, so they aren’t particularly scary.  They also just looked odd - the guy with the box on his head, and the torso thing looked like some special effect guy was just screwing around. And what was with that big baby thing?

 

I’m not sure why they made this one since it’s not scary.  I saw something on AMC, or TCM, that explained that the original 13 Ghosts was supposed to have been in 3-D, so the audience would get those glasses to see the ghosts.  Maybe they should have given us glasses so we couldn’t see the family.  I also don’t understand what happened to the kids.  Bad nanny!  Bad!  Guess no one wanted to deal with little Bobbie after awhile.

 

I did like Matthew Lillard.  His head grabbing pain got a little old, but he’s kinda funny.  Can’t think of anything else I liked - guess the opening credits weren’t too bad.

 

I recommend this one to people who call psychic hotlines for advice on their love lives.   Or that John Edwards guy, maybe he’s talked to some of these guys before.