Everleigh is a magic mutt and somehow related to the current queen. She’s been relegated to making pies for some fancy visiting people with one of her two friends in the castle, a very sweet cook. She doesn’t like it, but she’s a prize pony being the queen’s something or other and not of any value because she only has nose magic. She can smell stuff, which is helpful in cooking! Hurray!
Some lackey for the queen is all, hey Everleigh, taste this champagne, and she’s like, umm, you’re creepy, no. Since she’s finished the pies she can go back to her work in the dungeon with the silversmith, her other friend, Alvis. Everleigh reveals that she does have some pretty handy magic – she is immune to magic! It’s like Bella’s love bubble, but with some extra perks. The queen, her aunt, I think? or some kind of cousin relation, is coming for lunch and announcing the engagement of another daughter or cousin or something, Vasilia, who was an a*&hole to Everleigh when they were kids. I kept expecting more from that storyline, but there’s really nothing to it – Vasilia was an a*&hole, end of story.
Alvis is grumpy, but that’s what she needed when she was sent to live at the castle following the murder of her parents, so that worked out. Everleigh is also good with sniffing out magic jewels – all she wants is the queen’s permission to leave the castle and open a small jewelry store, she’s even been saving her money! Good on you, girl! Oh and she’s 28!! Hurray!! Not 19 – 21!
Everleigh notes some gladiator ships are nearby, which is just foreshadowing for later. Before the lunch she makes a memory opal for the queen to record the lunch. And I’m like opal, are you nuts? Opals are so wily, it’ll dive into the grass and take a ride on a grasshopper. Go get some onyx.
Sidenote - our narrator, Lauren Fortgang, kind of sounds like she has a cold, to be fair it is allergy season.
Alvis gives Everleigh a beautiful shard bracelet that will enhance her magic/non-magic. She thanks him, and he is so dead, our heroines rarely get to have family or be happy for a long time in these series.
She wanders back to her Cinderella rooms on the top floor and sees new guards, and I think Knox? a pretty guard who’s a d*ck.
Being a royal 87th cousin, Everleigh has to go to the lunch, so she washes off the flour and heads out, wearing the bracelet. Felton, the queen’s shorty secretary, stops her – he likes to humiliate Everleigh which bums me out because I like that he’s short, not some tall, stunning model that looks to have been chiseled.
Vasilia has cancelled Everleigh’s dancing trip because she’s an a*&hole, and Everleigh’s mad because she’s been practicing for months. Vasilia must be stopped, that dance was hard!
Everleigh dutifully goes to lunch – she’s 17th in line for the throne, she has like 1,675 cousins. She’s again given the champagne but her bloodhound nose is like, gross, no, smells like dead rats, which seems to frustrate Maeven, who has nothing better to do than to watch royal figureheads drink things.
At lunch people gossip that Serilda, a former queen’s guard, started a gladiator troop, which is nearby! And evil Vasilia is missing from this suspicious lunch….and she’s the crown princess….weird…
Lady Xenia, an ogre, really, that’s her shifter thing, scolds Everleigh for sucking at the dance and it’s good the ambassador won’t have it see it. Everleigh tells her to f off, she’s a reflection of her teaching.
Everleigh gives her pie to Gemma, the daughter of the guy who wanted the pies, and Vasilia finally shows her a**hole-self up.
Oh, so Vasilia and Knox are probably tiddlywinking, which is a bad look in front of her maybe fiancée.
There’s a blah blah blah speech from Cordelia, which leads to Vasilia getting up and going blah blah blah and then kills her own fiancée. She then kills the fiancée’s dad, I think. She lightnings some guy named Hans and cooks him alive.
Everybody’s been poisoned with the champagne, and her younger, pregnant sister is kind of freaked out, but is reassured she didn’t get much poison, she wants to kill them all herself!! Wow, she’s pretty evil.
Vasilia and her mom fight, then everyone attacks everything everywhere.
The dance instructor can change, but most people can’t summon their magic from having drunk the champagne and the bad guards start to slaughter everyone, including the children.
And the really sweet kitchen friend, Isabel, is murdered saving Everleigh.
Everleigh helps Gemma, the pie fanatic, and they’re kind of attacked when Xenia, in full ogre form, shows up and helps, carrying Gemma to safety, hopefully. Oh and Maven has purple lightning powers.
Vasilia then kills her brother-in-law and pregnant sister. Truly evil, so I’m not sure why Everleigh cries so much that Vasilia made fun of her hair when they were kids. The a**hole just murdered her pregnant sister.
Everleigh thinks she’s super nice so she goes to help the dying queen. Why? No clue, but she bumps Vasilia out of the way enough that she and the queen can have a full on conversation. The queen tells her she’s the last winter queen and to go find servile something, she’ll train her and protect her.
Vasilia taunts the nice guard that it wasn’t worth the money to sell out his queen, implying he’ll be blamed for all of it, and Everleigh’s all, no worries, she’s an a**hole. Then Vasilia blasts Everleigh with her lightning, throwing her over the wall and toward a cliff by the sea, I think? The lightning didn’t hurt her since she’s magic immune, but she might break all the bones in her body.
She steals some clothes and bops off to the free gladiator show run by Serilda, the ex-guard Cordelia told her to go to. Everleigh ohhs and ahhs until the end, then breaks into someone’s home with her magic on the gladiator compound since she needs to stay inside. She sleeps on the floor with a coat and a pillow that she’s very attached to, but the actual occupant is not impressed and wants to know what she’s doing there. Everleigh can’t move her legs so he zaps them with lightning, then she says she wants to see Serilda and he drags her to Serilda’s house.
Not keen on letting them know she survived the lunch murder festival, Everleigh doesn’t have much to say for herself when she pitches why she should stay. They toss her around then are like, really, what’s the point to you? She sees Cho, a dragon shifter, didn’t like a piece of tart and she says she can make pies. They’re like the f you can make pies! But their last baker stayed with her boyfriend, so they need a new pie master. So they all go to watch her make a pie. For some reason she decides to be mean to the cook, but she makes a pie like she had the day before and they all love it except for Sullivan, who’s like mummph, pie okay.
She’ll help with dinner, but until then, she trains! To be a circus performer! At training we see that Emilie is a jerk and Paloma is very nice, which is good because she’s the highest rated gladiator. Sullivan trains Everleigh in front of anyone and is glad to see she drops her too heavy shield for just the too heavy sword! Yeah! You crazy, girl! She’s beaten and goes back to have to take the last shower in the girl’s dorms and Emilie’s a d*ck, which is her one character trait. Everleigh, who took about an hour to tell them what her name is, cuts her hair off to her shoulders! Because that’s how you know a lady is distressed.
Everleigh makes friends by dirty talk then makes some scones, but won’t give one to Sullivan until Serilda breaks the news the queen was murdered and Vasilia is now the queen. Everyone’s sad, but glad because they love dictators here, and she also says they suspect Andvarian assassins, and Sullivan’s, all what? Huh? No! Because that’s where he’s from. So she gives him two scones as everyone scowls at him for murdering their queen!
Vasilia is giving her family a proper burial, so that’s nice. Everleigh overhears Serilda and Cho pissed off at what’s happened, and it’s like she’s drunk trying to put the pieces together. She was still friends with the queen? But I heard they weren’t, this can’t be true. She doesn’t like Vasilia? Does that make sense? Good god, 1.2x. And Ouster, the queen’s guard is in the dungeon.
Serilda now just wants to find an alive royal to replace Vasilia.
Everleigh’s like, I should tell them now! Nahhh, she wanted a royal to use for something, and I’m not messing with that. I’m not your puppet!
She goes into a training montage – it’s been weeks, she kind of sucks at fighting, but is better, but she doesn’t take any crap from anyone! You’re mean, I’m mean! Ha ha haha! I’m free! Ummm, okay pie lady.
Paloma’s really nice, Emilie’s a psycho and keeps sabotaging her all the time and no one notices except Everleigh. Emilie slashes Paloma’s back and Paloma's ogre mark makes a wincing face. Emilie acts like she’s so sorry she stabbed her, she tripped!
Everleigh is like, she stabbed you on purpose, yo! And Paloma’s like you’re a monster, Everleigh, get out! So Everleigh tells Sullivan, who’s like, you’re crazy!
Obviously, Emilie poisons Paloma and she uses the same poison used at the lunch massacre, so Everleigh recognizes it right way and tries to stop her. She can’t, so she holds Paloma’s hand so she’s not alone when she dies and is suddenly able to use her power to take on the poison out of nearly dead Paloma and save her. Emilie’s all, are you okay, Paloma? Everleigh attacks her and shows everyone the vile. They fight and Sullivan uses his lightning to keep Emilie back. So all that wasn’t enough to show Emilie did it, now Everleigh has be to interrogated and prove she didn’t poison Paloma. Sigh.
They’re mad at Everleigh because Emilie is a money maker and Everleigh isn’t. So Serilda makes the weird choice of making Emilie and Everleigh have a death match at the next performance, even though it’s obvious to everyone that Emilie’s the one who poisoned Paloma. Soooo, umm, what?
Maybe Everleigh could have said I saved your best gladiator, so is that not making money for you?
Sullivan’s all, I’ll make this right, Everleigh! He then cries and wanders off to find a blanky. Umm, okay. And Paloma puts her cot next to Everleigh’s and is working on trying to figure out the best weapon to help her kill Emilie. Are we friends? We are, just don’t snore or I’ll kill you. Har har har. No really, I’ll murder you.
Paloma tries to help Everleigh, but she’s not good at fighting, so Sullivan comes around and he’s kind of a jerk and she’s like, I’ve seen blood, princeling! And he starts to cry again and walks off saying, you’re a lost cause, good luck, you’ll need it! Umm, what happened to making it right? Maybe he has that “Memento” thing.
So Sullivan’s fix is to give Everleigh a poisoned feather to use, and she’s like, no, gross. But let’s tiddlywink, no wait, don’t say that. He could have just trained her better to fight Emilie, but no, he’s going with the deadly feather approach.
They fight, Everleigh wins, though her magic didn’t really seem to help? and Vasilia is there! She wants to meet the winner! Who honestly should have passed out by now with her arm wound, but I guess Everleigh has a lot of blood?
Sullivan mocks Vasilia with his salute thing and she outs him as Frederick’s older brother! And Everleigh is nearly having a panic attack there’s going to be a fight when her a**hole cousin sees her, but she doesn’t recognize her! Omg! It’s the black swan makeup!
Cho was also a guard for Cordelia. Umm, shouldn’t Everleigh be dead now from blood loss?
Vasilia wants Serilda to join her and protect her from stuff – the a**hole is going to name herself queen on the summer solstice, then march and kill everyone Sullivan ever ate a sandwich with in his hometown. Servi’s like how about I spy for you? We’re going there and I can tell you about stuff… Stuff? Vasilia asks. I love stuff! And it’s a deal, but Everleigh realizes Vasilia’s just going to kill the whole troop because she’s an a**hole.
Everleigh goes back to find Paloma looking at her bracelet, stone, and feather and Paloma tells her she doesn’t morph because her dad’s an a**hole, and Everleigh tells her she’s immune to magic, then it’s time to go see Serilda, who’s with Cho and all sad all the heirs are dead, which is what Vasilia told her at the WWE match.
Everleigh is all, so her game is to get her revenge! I’m not a puppet!! And it’s like, what? Serilda was trying to get another royal to have a death match for the crown per the old laws.
Everleigh snoops on Serilda and Cho talking and Serilda thinks all hope is lost since Vasilia said she killed all the heirs but he’s like, we’re still looking! And they clearly have a lot of affection for each other. Everleigh is like f that b, I’m not her puppet, and I’m just like what is wrong with you?
Now they are going on tour! Everleigh sees Vasilia has sent guards to whip miners and is like, hmm, maybe a different queen would be better, so maybe you should tell Serilda? Oh well, off we go. On their way to Andvari, they’re hit by a blizzard meant to kill them. But Everleigh can sniff out the magier! They sniff him out, she sees he has a red journal, a**hole, and they kill him, only to go back and see that ogre morphs have taken all their friends – they got lost in the blizzard and wandered into ogre territory. Everleigh bargains if she does the dance she learned at the beginning of the book they have to treat the troop like guests. In return they can kill her if the dance is bad. They’re like, fine!
They go to ogre castle and eat, then she has only 5 minutes to say bye bye to her friends! Paloma shifts, like Everleigh wanted when they became friends, and in exchange she needs to tell her secrets – she gives Sullivan the memory stone, puts on the bracelet, gives Serilda the feather, Paloma the bag, and tells them who she is, which pisses off Sullivan, who goes off to cry some more and write a Reddit post in Relationships.
Everleigh performs the dance and she’s all into it, bloody feet and all, and the judge comes down and it Xenia! It was the best dance ever! Omg!
Then Everleigh passes out and remembers being magic tested as a kid and Vasilia dumping her for not showing any magic ability.
She wakes up and Xenia is there – Gemma loved her and Alvis is safe, they’re in Andvari, and then the gang comes in and they’re all pissy, but Sullivan DID NOT watch the memory opal, and it’s like, um, why not? So she shows them and they’re like oh. And he’s not quite so mad, but they’re all blah blah blah and she’s blah and Serilda is like you stupid girl! You could have gotten yourself killed when I made you duel to the death for helping Paloma! And going off to find the magier! And we need you to become queen, then Everleigh loses her sh*t that she will not be a puppet! Oh Serilda is a time magier, so she knew Vasilia was going to be the end of Cordelia and that the world will burn if Everleigh doesn’t become queen. And blah blah blah Maeven being somebody’s bastard something to start war between everybody blah blah.
Everleigh finally concedes to try to become queen since the world burning would make it harder to get her jewelry shop and fix up her parent’s house and Serilda is going to train her! But Sullivan is still mad at her for existing and he hasn’t had time to read all of the responses on his post, which is also her fault.
So Serilda starts to train Everleigh so she can win the crown smackdown and it’s hard! She has to train allllll day and alllllll night. She does that for like six weeks-ish? Maybe? Then the ogres are all, you all are leaving tomorrow, let’s have a ball! Huzzah! So they do and Everleigh is all, I just want to tiddly Sullivan, but all the ogres want to dance with her because she did that first bloody feet dance, so she does that, then wanders off to stare at stuff outside and Sullivan pops up. Oh hello there. Blah blah, how she survived the lightning blah, then Everleigh kind of introduces the idea of tiddlywinking, and he’s like, oh good god no! He couldn’t just tiddly her once! And she’s going to be queen. He’s a bastard! A bastard! He vowed to never feel less than again! So f off, Everleigh! Go marry a king with like twenty carriages! He’s calmer than that, but that’s the gist of it. She’s like, bummer, I will be queen instead of responding I don’t care, we can get married, I wouldn’t be ashamed of marrying a bastard prince! But she’s more, oh, right, good point, a queen does need carriages.
They head home and it takes two weeks! But the crowning is soon. So here’s the plan – their gladiator troop will get invited to the crowning because Vasilia wants to murder them all since she’s an a**hole, then Everleigh will be alll, I’m here to murder you, a**hole! And throws down a white glove, and it’s on!
Now dressed in her finest black swan glitter off they go to enact their trap within a trap plan! Sullivan takes her hand, and speaks like 5 words to her which is more than he has since he was like, I’m not your bastard! at the ball.
You know, I want to like Everleigh, but she goes on so much about how mean Vasilia was to her, literally, her gladiator friends are like, what did she do to you? And she says, stopped being my friend. And it’s like, yeah, and? She sent kids to beat her up in class and knocked stuff over and it’s like, yeah, and? I’m, like, pretty sure I’d be more destroyed to have watched her murder a pregnant woman and order the deaths of other children than someone knocking over my lemonade.
They show up and the troop performs – Everleigh gets her solo event thing, says hi all, watch this! and plays the memory stone. They’re like, that’s not great, and Vasilia is all pissy about it and Everleigh throws down the challenge, which apparently Vasilia could have refused? Vasilia orders the guards to kill the troop, but they can’t since the gladiators kill them instead, then battle royale! That Vasilia could have refused!
It takes a bit, but Everleigh wears Vasilia down with her Serilda stamina! Then Vasilia goes to her lightning that Everleigh just absorbs, and Vasilia says your immunity can’t save you, and I’m like how does Vasilia know Everleigh calls her magic “immunity”? And how is this much more powerful lightning not making Everleigh fly around like last time it dumped her over a cliff? Oh well, it’s fine, Everleigh eventually kills Vasilia and is queen! She goes to the throne and is like so I’m you’re queen, bitches!
