Everleigh is queen and having her hair done by a thread master, which is so interesting, I love these offshoot skills.  She’s been queen for three months and has finally decided to meet with the nobles in the throne room, but she smells an assassination attempt!  She blah blah blahs them and gets offered some husbands but humiliates the families in front of everyone because they were mean to her when she was a lonely orphan, so ha ha ha, idiots!  This is how you impress the nobles!

 

Satisfied she’s embarrassed the richest families in her kingdom, Everleigh mingles to track down her assassination smell and is given a fancy goblet for the toast…by an assassin dressed as a servant!  They fight, the girl’s all, he’s scarier than death, time to stabby stabby myself with the poison!  The assassin then stabs herself with the poisoned dagger as everyone watches.  She’s relieved to die than to have to go home to the head jerk Morton, and, umm, Everleigh, I think you could heal the poor girl, oh right, you’re busy being a tw*t. 

 

I think the girl needed a few more assassin lessons.  Or not, no one has a chance against Everleigh with her nose and her mad circus skills.  Meanwhile the nobles go back to sipping wine and sorting out the bets they made while Everleigh was kind of threatened as her circus friends/guards discuss starting a book club.  To be fair, it is hard to find a good book club, they can always get another queen. 

 

Everleigh needs a minute from being so freaking cool that she doesn’t actually need guards, ever, which is fortunate since they are literally never around to help her.  She walks off by herself to a wall by a cliff and stares out at who knows what.  Her circus guards let her go by herself because I’m starting to think everyone in this book is dumb.  SHE WAS JUST ATTACKED BY A SERVANT – ANYONE CARE HOW MANY OTHERS MIGHT BUT WAITING FOR HER TO WALK OFF ALONE?

 

Sullivan the Dumbdumb loses a bet and has to be the one to eventually check on her, sees carved hearts in the wall and is like what’s that?  She says, oh nothing, and he says that always means something, so she goes on about true love poor people climb the wall to marry a royal.  And I roll my eyes, Dumbdumb is so going to do this.  And she’s all sad that they can never be together, but you don’t even try to counter him.  We can’t be together, I need carriages.  I know, I’ll marry some rich guy.  Not even, if I don’t marry you, then I will never marry!  Just shrug, yeah, I’m totally royal now, too bad you’re a bastard.

 

Dumbdumb and Everleigh proceed to visit little Felton, the former royal secretary, for information about Maeven, and he just laughs and says do your worst, so Everleigh says, oh you will talk, he says how, and she says because I’ll take your boots!  And he freaks out and tells them what he knows.  Good god.  They then leave him there to rot, and Everleigh has a memory of her purple-eyed tutor giving her dad a poison drink, killing him right before the castle is stormed by more Mortans.  And listening to it I just kept thinking of boxed salt.  And it made me laugh.

 

Everleigh wakes up from the dream then sneaks through the hidden halls to Maeven’s room to find a magic mirror so she and Maeven have a pointless talk.  Libby, is it done?  Ha ha ha I’m still alive, Maeven, Libby’s dead from fear, ha ha ha ha!  Was that the best way to play it?  They both give each other a lot of information and I’m just perplexed, wtf.  Maeven says wear your crown as much as you can.  Everleigh’s like why?  Maeven says because you won’t be alive for long!!!  Sigh, she totally didn’t see that line coming? 

 

They’re going to Andvari, Dumbdumb’s home, and Everleigh’s been rambling about stuff, but seriously, I’m tuning her out a lot now.  Everleigh’s sitting by herself on the train because her friends all know she wants to be alone, and I’m just like these are pretty sh*&ty friends, they keep leaving her alone to be murdered. 

 

Calandre, her thread master dares to approach her on the train, concerned that she’s not good enough or high-ranking enough and might get fired.  Everleigh’s like it’s fine, but she sees the girl is distressed and is like, really it’s fine, you fixed my dress at that mean ball years ago, you’re good.  Then Everleigh waves her hand to dismiss Calandre, and I’m like who are you?  What is this?

 

Then Dumbdumb sits down by her and I’m like, great, here comes more stupid.   Not much to report here.

 

They get to Andvari and the people hate her.  I’m confused, she was almost murdered like their people, but they all hate her.  But the gargoyles are very cool.  The captain of the guard super hates Everleigh – maybe there’s a good reason for this that we’ll learn later?  And Dumbdumb is sad and smells like heartbreak as he’s being treated like an outcast, kind of? I don’t know, they’re all probably weirded out by the guy who cries a lot and joined a circus to get away from them.

 

Dumbdumb decides to give Everleigh some advice and tells her, my dad likes strength, and she’s like, I love this man!  And I’m just like, what is this courtship?  In the previous book Everleigh couldn’t fight that well and was pretty much sentenced to death for protecting Paloma.  Dumbdumb’s solution was to give her a poisoned feather, he then cried and ran off when she didn’t want to use it – that’s all the effort he put into keeping her alive.  Like go away, Dumbdumb.

 

Also, Everleigh saved King Heinrich’s granddaughter, like why do they all hate her?

 

Then she sees Alvis and she’s suddenly back to the girl I liked in the first book.  They all hate her, the captain of the guard hates her because her father was the ambassador.  Everleigh’s all, “F off, what did you do to avenge them?  The royals, the nobles, and…the other people…” I laughed out loud, other people?  Love it, so randomly dismissive.

 

Ha, then Everleigh’s all, black ring match!  Let’s do this!  And the captain’s like, I can’t wait to take your head off!  And I’m like they’d never let a visiting queen be killed on their watch.  But sure, let’s do this. 

 

The crown prince and the captain almost hold each other as they watch their significant others about to murder each other – men are very in touch with their emotions in this kingdom.  Everleigh’s friends/guards eventually wander down and are like, all, okay, well, good luck!  Omg.

 

Ha ha, she’s about to go to possible death and Dumbdumb doesn’t even talk to her, just shoots her a thumbs up right before she goes in.  Meanwhile his brother is talking to and gently touching the captain’s arm like he cares if she dies.  Hi Kingdom, let’s be friends by me killing your captain of the guard!  Love, Everleigh.

 

Everleigh bests the captain but doesn’t kill her, asks her to yield, which the captain does eventually, then she’s like bitches we need to fight the Mortons together! and stomps out.

 

Dumbdumb shows up and is like Dad wants you to join him for dinner, Everleigh agrees, and Dumbdumb walks off.  The captain comes back and is like I’LL SHOW YOU TO YOUR ROOMS and someone will take your guards to their room, because of course it’s totally cool to have them separated, especially when she’s already sniffed out another assassination plot.

 

Then her friends lock her in her room and leave.  So that’ll be easier for someone to get in by a hidden door and murder her, or for the pissed off guards to kill her since they all hate her there.

 

They’ve left her alone for hours with nothing to do, she’s literally staring at things.  While I do appreciate she’s not a reader, it’s like ugh.

 

She stares out over her balcony and sees Dumbdumb pacing and Helene approach him and they talk about how they were engaged and liked to tiddly in the maze and it was great until she dumped him.  Dumbdumb’s mom saw Everleigh watching and smiled, yeah, there’s a lot of tiddlying in the maze, her look seems to say.

 

Everleigh’s kind of heartbroken, but then Gemma and Grimley, her gargoyle friend fly in to talk to her, and I really like the gargoyles.  They chat and gossip, then it’s time for dinner and they finally let her out of her room.  And they go to the dinner where the king’s like, I’ll do what you want if you marry the crown prince!  And it’s like duh.  But Everleigh’s shocked.  And she’s like, um, no!  And the king gets mad.

 

She again walks off by herself in an unknown place and ends up in the library.  Great job, guards.  The crown prince joins her and they flirt just a little, like little, and Dumbdumb comes in and starts to cry, then runs off.  Everleigh and the crown prince see that Dumbdumb’s girlfriend and maybe Gemma, along with the prince’s girlfriend all saw their baby flirt and are like of course.  The spectators stomp off and they’re alone again.  Only to be attacked by 6 assassins!  WORST GUARDS EVER.

 

It's the bastard brigade!

 

They survive, the head magier asks, “do you really think you can stop the Bastard Brigade?”, and I laughed again.  This book is such a card.  The attack ends when Dumbdumb comes, but Everleigh is burned nearly alive and she remembers the tutor helping them escape the massacre the night her dad died.  Then she wakes up and finds out that the king blames her for another son almost dying, and it’s just like huh?  And Dumbdumb dramatically tells Everleigh the story of Helene.  She had to marry someone richer.  End of story.  Okay.

 

Everleigh doesn’t really care, she just wants some Dumbdumb tiddlying, but he’s all, I can’t! It’s impossible!  I’m a bastard!  And she’s all, sigh, okay, let’s go talk to the comedian in the dungeon. 

 

Well, the comedian is dead, so that’s no fun.  I really wanted one more, “You can’t stop the Bastard Brigade!”  Everleigh’s convinced it’s an inside job, and it’s like, duh, again, Highness Dumbdumb.

 

The next day, Highness Dumbdumb has breakfast with Dumbdumb’s mom and his ex-lover/fiancée, Helene.  It’s all fine until Helene leaves to check on her plants and Mom puts Highness Dumbdumb in a headlock and makes her promise she’ll leave her son alone!  She’s like, I’m royal, so it can never be!

 

Highness Dumbdumb goes to see Alvis and he gives her another bracelet to match the first one he made for her.  She asks him what it means that she’s a Winter Queen, what is this magic of hers!?  And he can’t tell her, which pisses her off.  She tells him, “I need to know before Maeven and her Bastard Brigade try to kill me again.”  I love it, to seriously call them the Bastard Brigade, it honestly delights me. 

 

Sorry, THEN he gives her the bracelet, after he tells her he won’t tell her what she wants to know to protect herself from the Bastard Brigade!  Oh, why wouldn’t this be A Bastard Brigade Novel?  Oh god, that would have been really funny.

 

King Heinrich wants to talk to Highness Dumbdumb, and it’s just like, wasn’t he just pissed she tried to get another son killed?  How many personalities do these people have?  So Rhea, the captain/crown prince lover walks her to Heinrich and they’re now kind of friends because they really have no sense of humor, which they bond over.

 

Heinrich’s all, sorry about my terrible hospitality, now marry my son!  And Highness Dumbdumb touches his hand to console him on the loss of his son (the one who died at the luncheon massacre) and senses poison!  He’s not sick from grief!  Highness Dumbdumb uses her magic to snip out the poison, pissing it off, and then is all, sure, I’ll marry your son.  The ball is now an engagement party!

 

Highness Dumbdumb visits Xenia to make sure Halvar and Bjarni will be in the castle to make sure her betrothed doesn’t get himself killed.  She has a plan!  And she needs some help to draw out the traitor, which she plans to do with the engagement ball, but insert a dramatic pause, Dumbdumb can’t know!  Xenia’s like, are you sure?  And Highness Dumbdumb is sure, queens can’t have hearts!  She can’t tell him because she thinks his pissed off reaction will really sell it.  I think he’s been performing in a circus troupe long enough to fake being mad by just doing what he’s always doing, crying and running away, but what do I know…

 

Our Highness Dumbdumb outlines her plans to catch the traitor assassin person to everyone but Dumbdumb, who enters at the end of their planning session and has a big boo-hoo-for-me fit.  I’m being passed over again!  He says some pretty mean things to her, then some nice things, then declares he’s over her as he gives her a sarcastic bow.  And I’m just like, hold up, dude, she’s thrown herself at you twice and you absolutely refuse to have anything of any kind of romantic nature to do with her.  This isn’t like you and Helene, you manned up and proposed to Helene, you just jerk your hand away and cry when you’re alone with Highness Dumbdumb, maybe if you’d proposed this wouldn’t be an issue?  Sorry, go on, go find the biggest box of tissues in the castle.

 

Highness Dumbdumb really sells it at the next dinner, making sure the traitor sees how happy she is to marry Crown Prince Dominic, hoping this will prompt another assassination attempt since it seems they might be trying to kill Dominic and not her.  Obviously, Dumbdumb wasn’t at the dinner since there was a romcom marathon on.

 

Later she and Paloma check out the dead comedian’s cell again and Highness Dumbdumb figures out that the comedian was killed!  She didn’t kill herself!  There is an insider at work!  Huzzah!

 

They break and enter into Helene’s rooms and Highness Dumbdumb finds the cactus that smells like the poison!  And some other stuff, so Helene is the poisoner!  Or not, this is a little too easy…someone might be setting her up!  Yelp, who knows, let’s boogie, Pal…oh no, here comes Helene and…Dumbdumb!  What?!  Crazy!

 

Dumbdumb and Helene kiss for awhile, but Dumbdumb just can’t do it and Helene’s like, it’s just some fun, god, you are so boring.  He’s like, I know!  That is my true magic skill!  Helene has to defend herself for giving him up to save her sisters and now everyone gets it, Helene’s okay, but she still might be the traitor!

 

On to the ball where Highness Dumbdumb has pockets!  And is wearing flats!  She dances with Dominic and tells him she was never going to marry him, and he’s like what?!  But I’m me!  And Dumbdumb cuts in and is all, lets get dirty outside, Highness Dumbdumb.  And it’s like, is this his evil twin?  Wtf is going on?

 

So Higness Dumbdumb is like, absolutely!  And off they go to the Gazebo maybe?  Somewhere around there and que weird kissing Tiddlywinks.  These two are strange, not fun strange, just what are you doing? strange.  When they finally finish spearing each other, Highness Dumbdumb realizes there are Morton’s around them wanting to sell them salt.  Bu they won’t do it if Dumbdumb is still there.  So she tells him she’s going back to check on his brother, and he starts to cry that didn’t this mean anything to her?  How could she?  And I’m just hold up, wait, dude, you have been very clear for her to f off repeatedly with any romantic notions, and now you tiddly her and want to be exclusive AT HER AND YOUR BROTHER’S ENGAGEMENT PARTY?  What is going on?   Evil twin, that’s all I got.

 

Dumbdumb eventually runs off crying again and Highness Dumbdumb tells the Morton’s to come on out, so they do and punch her in the head, knocking her out.  Hurray! 

 

But she wakes up, boo.  And they’re going to kill her with the same poison from the little cactus, which apparently they couldn’t do while she was unconscious?  Fortunately for the reader, Maeven calls her cousin to come out, and it’s Dumbdumb’s mama, Dahlia!  Who is kind enough to tell us all about her evil deeds.  (Oh and I forgot to mention that while Highness Dumbdumb was passed out, again, she remembered her mother being killed after her tutor tried to help them during the massacre at their castle since he was obsessed with her mom.  Tutor dies, mom dies, and Highness Dumbdumb stabs a magier to death.)

 

Dahlia had been ordered to climb the ranks, and she did, and she liked Heinrich until he married that whore!  He should have married her!  So now her whole goal has been to get Dumbdumb on the throne.  She sent Frederick and Gemma to the murder lunch, and has been poisoning Heinrich, guess she was just going to straight up kill Gemma and Dominic at some point.  So now we know and they’re going to kill Highness Dumbdumb, who is greatly outnumbered, but Grimley and Gemma come in and help.  Because of course her guards are nowhere to be seen.  I just can’t, they are the worst.

 

Highness Dumbdumb sends Grimly and Gemma back to get help, again, because her guards are really more like groupies than guards, but groupies would have probably noticed that Dumbdumb was back and she wasn’t. 

 

She starts to take them on herself when Dumbdumb shows up and they start killing all of them, at one point a magier almost kills Dumbdumb, but Dahlia takes the magier out, see?  She really did like her son!  She just wanted him on the throne so she could guide him and his children would be full on Mortons and want to kill everything. 

 

Maeven picks up her skirts and runs off as Dumbdumb and Highness Dumbdumb get to Dahlia, who drank the poison to kill herself.  The poison takes a long time, knowing it’s important for Dumbdumb and Highness Dumbdumb to have a scene with his mama.  She’s like, just tell him all about my treachery, I don’t give a sh*&.  So Highness Dumbdumb does, and Dumbdumb is all, omg!  And then Dahlia dies and then Highness Dumbdumb’s guards arrive.  WTF.

 

It's decided to hide the truth of who Dahlia is from the country, so she’s buried as a hero, which has Dumbdumb all confused.  But she wasn’t, right? he asks.  Heinrich gives Highness Dumbdumb her alliance/treaty, whatever it is she wanted, and she’s going to go home.  She talks to Dumbdumb, who’s cool with her lying to him, she was just trying to protect everyone!  Then says he just wants to get away, maybe join the circus.  And she’s like, I joined the circus and it worked out okay.  And I’m like wtf, he already did that, why are you acting like he didn’t!?  I can’t with these two.

 

So she goes back to her castle with her worthless guards and starts doing queen stuff like hanging out in Maeven’s magic mirror room hoping to plant seeds of doubt in her that will probably be sewn in the next book.  They have another dumb mirror talk and Highness Dumbdumb’s all, you’re brother doesn’t appreciate you!  Isn’t that awful?  And blah blah.  Well, blah blah blah, Maeven answers.  And I just don’t really care at this point. 

 

Queen stuff is going along fine when Highness Dumbdumb wakes up one day to a bell ringing to discover, wait for it, Dumbdumb has decided to climb up that lover’s cliff, which is probably like a bunny slope.  He does so little fighting, there are just flashes of blue in his eyes from time to time while he thinks about how he and Highness Dumbdumb can stab each other’s faces with their tongues.  Sure, he helps out after Highness Dumbdumb has the situation almost under control, but he’s just a pretty terrible guard.  Like, why does her heart go pitter patty for him?  Is he really funny?  He’s not.  He is good at crying and running away. 

 

Not now!  He’s a fool in love!  He’s climbing up to his love.  But, obviously he has trouble and she has to climb down so they can poke each other’s faces with their tongues as they stand on a ledge in front of her court.