If you have any magic in this place your family is murdered and you’re burned alive, I think. Our heroine, PeePee, watches as a young girl, who didn’t know she had magic, is discovered by a king’s assessor at the monthly sniff-out-magic ceremony leading to the girl’s grandparents being immediately decapitated and the girl dragged off. PeePee stumbles back from the scene only to be caught by a guy who is probably our hero, and he’s like, watch it, god, so annoying, then wanders off.
PeePee’s mom is a diviner and has a vision, then tells PeePee, “Remember I love you,” and goes to bed, which would be, you know, unnerving. And there’s something about PeePee’s brother, Tibris, and some secret gamer notes he doesn’t want to share, which is just like, sigh, foreshadowing like a sledgehammer to the face.
Then we go to Lorian, who’s with his bros getting some moss from some witches.
And wouldn’t you know it, the guy of PeePee’s small town dreams, Thol, which sounds like a cigarette, asks her to walk the next day, and she’s all, life could be amazing if I didn’t have to run to keep from being burned alive!
Before you can say “she’s not dressed for the weather, she’ll probably have to make a run for it soon” she uses her time stopping power to keep Thol’s sister from getting punched by the town bully. Umm, why? Yeah, that’s bad, but you are willing to give the lives of all of your family so Thol’s sister doesn’t have to take a punch? You couldn’t beat him with a chair or something there? Well, okay, that’s a choice. Heroine will always sacrifice herself for someone else, no matter how stupid, check.
PeePee being burned alive for Thol’s sister, who returns PeePee’s help by turning PeePee into the guards, was one of PeePee Mom’s diviner visions. Mom appears right after PeePee’s poor decision making and escorts PeePee to a cliff, tells her you’re not my daughter but I love you. Go find the prince. Mom then pushes PeePee over into the water below. Oh and she advises her to swim.
PeePee tries to swim but she gets stuck and almost dies until Galon pulls her out. She’s kind of freaked out and he’s nice, but Lorian rides up and says, gross, let it die, come on. Off the men ride, leaving PeePee alone to die in the woods. After PeePee kills a hunter and pushed an innocent guard to his death, she finds the bros again.
PeePee finds them sleeping in the woods, and for some unknown reason she thinks these huge, strange guys are really asleep so she tries to get some food. But they were just tricking her, ha ha ha!
She freezes time to get away and Lorian’s all, wtf was that? Okay, we’ll keep you. You’ll help us get into the city and we’ll give you shoes. And it’s a deal. Off they go for her to an inn where Beard tries to kill her only to be gruesomely killed by Lorian, which was kind of deserved, but now they need to boogie since everyone’s looking for PeePee because she’s worth 100 gold coins.
They travel to a random spot for a super secret meeting and PeePee’s supposed to just hang out and pee while the men have their super private meeting, but PeePee’s on it, she says it takes a while for ladies to do their business and Galon’s like, oh right, of course, then she walks the ten feet between her and the secret meeting to see Lorian’s meeting with a fae and she is pissed. Because everyone’s mad at the fae in these until they learn that no, the fae want to help, humans are the ones being controlled! Omg!
Then they go to a different inn where PeePee decides to show how onery and independent she is by telling the barmaid she’s banging all five guys in the group. And it’s like, well, I guess that’s one way to teach them a lesson, by calling yourself a prostitute?
But she and Lorian laugh and laugh at how funny it is that she’s their hooker, and it’s more ummm, what? But she gets a bath, then he wants a bath and she just stares at him, which seems rude, but she’s just independent! Bells ring in the morning which means the mean guys are coming to hurt children and they might see PeePee, who starts freaking out.
PeePee’s little band of mercenaries watch a baby stripped of her power as is the custom, then Lorian screams at PeePee to use her magic to stop time so they can get away, likes screams at her and she starts to black out, loses her hearing, and can’t see, and he’s like, sh*& happens get over it! And she’s like, oh, okay. And I’m like, she’s all sassy with her constant hissy fits but she’s just going accept being screamed at and bullied like that? Wtf?
Oh, and after PeePee dove head first off the cliff an assessor caught her best friend, meaning she’s now scheduled to be burned alive, which leaves PeePee distraught, but Lorian’s all, she’s so dead, it’s fine, go make me a pie. Oh, and there was a different way out he just wanted her to practice her power, he didn’t need to actual scream at her until she nearly had a stroke. And now PeePee’s super pissed!
But now she’s learned how to use her power, and in today’s edition The Convenient Plot Device Gazette, Tibris, her brother, joins the camp! He’s all, hey PeePee, and she’s all, hi Tibris! Umm, we all get that this was a very surreal development, right?
They saunter into the city without any fuss and that whole we-need-your-power-to-get-into-the city is now over and it’s like, that’s it? That was it, now I’ll go save my friend, see ya, fellas! Have fun mercenarying!
Lorian smacks her with a kiss then they part ways so PeePee and Tibris can join the resistance and save the prisoners while Lorian and his crew go smoke their witch weed. I don’t really see why they needed her to stop time when no one ever notices them, but sure.
Peepee and Tibris find his resistance friend, the one with sending the suspicious gaming notes, and they’re going undercover in the castle to find the dungeon and a tunnel, but warning, no one’s ever come out of there alive! Well, I’m sure the guards do. But first they talk to an archive type person who knows literally everything that’s happened in the past. Great! Where are my parents, history person? I can’t tell you that, you have to discover it for yourself. So that’s helpful and not at all to draw out PeePee’s mysterious parentage.
Tibris and PeePee very easily get to work in the castle, I laugh because literally everything is so easy for all of the characters, but a minor character gets murdered here and there to try to act like the stakes are high. They’re not. Seriously, PeePee goes from cleaning floors to being one of the queen’s ladies-in-waiting in about thirty seconds.
Sure, the other spy, Wila, who helps PeePee become a lady-in-waiting is killed for it, but so many children and families have been murdered by this point to try to convince the gentle reader that the bad king is REALLY BAD that I just don’t really care, sorry Wila. Death here is kind of meaningless, it’s written about so easily, just used as a reason for PeePee’s rage to flair here and there. I don’t worry about the Scooby gang at all, I know our core group will literally have everything handed to them. I mean, come on, her brother just finds her in the middle of nowhere because it was time for him to show up again.
It's then literally no problem at all for PeePee to just walk into the dungeons and give food and medicine to all of the prisoners. Her bff is sick and they need to get her out soon – the super bad king puts iron in their food to keep them weak, which was a nice touch. But they just can’t figure out how to bust them out, but they suddenly will when the plot needs them to.
At her first dinner about a minute after becoming a lady the queen, PeePee is reunited with Lorian, who is a guest of honor at dinner that very night. Sigh. Lorian’s all that hair color is ugly, PeePee!
She continues to help the prisoners and asks Lorian to help Wila, and he’s like no, f off, but he tries anyway and gets Wila killed two days earlier. So good job, idiot.
Then Lorian ropes PeePee into helping him search for something in a hidden tunnel behind the king’s bathroom, and PeePee’s about to pass out from trying to hold her magic and he tells her no you’re not, man up. Wtf, she soon nearly passes out and he gets pissed. For some reason she seems to find his terrible methods the only way she can learn, so I think she has some mental problems, or she has a side gig as a CEO and needs to be dominated to find some kind of work life balance.
A priestess comes in to steal something for herself but doesn’t see Lorian and PeePee – Lorian eventually freaks out that he can’t find the thing he’s looking for and yells at PeePee some more so she freezes him and runs away. Yeah, d*ck.
Okay, this will likely be a bit out of order, it’s been literally one day since I finished listening and I’m like, what happened in this thing?
There are some balls, and PeePee’s village crush, Thol, is there, which brings out her more dramatic tendencies. Well, she’s always kind of screaming about something, so that’s not new. Lorian’s all, oh, you like small little village boys… you’re mine the next time I hear you fart. I just can’t with him, he’s like this lurking salesman trying to convince me that he’s a bad boy that burns day and night for the melodic sounds of PeePee cutting the cheese as they Tiddlywink. Enough, dude.
Lorian did manage to be helpful with something and gets a cure to Asinia, PeePee’s bff, who is now able to sit up against her dungeon cell on her own. So that was nice of him, and the least he can do since he keeps dragging PeePee into closets to maul her.
PeePee at some point sees Madinia try to kill herself because she’s a hybrid with fire power. She saves her and Madinia’s grossed out dad is all, thank you! I’m the king’s right-hand man! I will help you! Sigh, that was easy.
At some point PeePee decided she wants to save all the people in the dungeons, oh, wait, hang on, the guy that Vicer wants out, Demos, is actually PeePee’s brother. Telean is a seamstress for the big bad king and is helping PeePee when she’s all, I knew your mom, I was like an aunt to you – that guy in the dungeon is your brother. And ta da, PeePee has a brother. Oh, and she’s the queen to the hybrid kingdom, because of course she is.
And Lorian and PeePee finally come to an agreement – she’ll help him find an amulet and he’ll help get the three hundred prisoners out of the city. And at some point she gets poisoned by an astute lady-in-waiting but recovers just so she and Lorian can makeout on a toilet and he yet again promises to do dirty things to her once she’s done being poisoned. We get it, really, stop, if you want to help, go get her some ginger ale and stop pawing her as you tell her, “Once your body stops trying to empy all of the fluids in your body, you’re mine, really, rrrrrrr.”
At some point he does drag her into his room for some Tiddlywinks, and it’s like, that’s nice, will you please stop talking about how you can’t wait to do things to her now?
To bust out all of the prisoners Madinia takes one for the team and flirts with the gross rich kid who knows about the horseless carriages. Then there’s this ball where PeePee freezes everyone so they can steal jewels. Lorian runs off to free the prisoners, I think, and PeePee kills an assessor.
PeePee is still in the castle to get the amulet, which she does, and comes face to face with her nice maid friend, who’s all ha ha ha, my magic is not to be affected by magic, I’m a null! I’m going to turn you over to the king and…then Madinia knocks her out.
Two things here one, why is it that people in the city can have magic and they’re not dirty hybrids that are burned to death and their extended families are drawn and quartered? The maid’s all, HA HA HA you are corrupt and must be destroyed, which I know from my magic HA HA HA! I must have missed something about it. And secondly, PeePee just killed an assessor, why is she wasting any time messing around with a maid? Just punch her, good god.
So then off PeePee and Madinia ride to the city gates to make sure everyone can get out, but the big bad king as a bunch of guards there and it looks like everyone’s going to die. Ummm, sure. Lorian and his people, along with all of the prisoners are just standing there waiting to be killed, ummmm, huh? I’m not kidding, they’re just standing there waiting to die.
Big bad king kills Madinia’s dad in front of her, then tells the archers to kill PeePee, who rides toward Lorian like she’s on fire and he’s probably only about twenty feet from her. She tosses him the amulet and he laughs MWAHAHAHAHA for a really long time – both sides just watch his maniacal laughing for about an hour, then he shifts into his true fae form and kills a bunch of guards. But not the king, which has PeePee ask later, why didn’t you kill the king? Lorian’s says, because it’s book one.
Demos throws himself in front of PeePee and Tibris and takes a dagger or something to his chest in an attempt to get out of the upcoming books. PeePee starts to wail and Lorian’s all, I can heal him but you have to come back to my kingdom with me where you’ll be mine to do things to in the potty. Of course she wants to do that, so Demos is healed and they all head to the ships with PeePee, Queen of the Hybrids – she’s silent but deadly.
Oh, and Lorian is the Blood Something Prince who possibly burned her real hometown to the ground and might have killed her parents. Which doesn’t actually seem to phase her, like, oh, that’s fine. Off they go to fairy land! Oh, and the really bad king kills people and takes their bodies so he’s probably a billion years old, I don’t know.
